Tag Archives: exploration

Diary of a Wannabe: For the Love of Redheads- Entry One

Since childhood, I have possessed a fascination with nudity. More specifically, the female body. I vividly recall searching through the TV Guide looking for movies that featured nudity. It was a secret ritual, that bordered on obsession.

In my youthful innocence, it seemed “normal” to engage in this type of behavior. I told myself that curiosity of the human body was part of the natural progression in coming of age. Harboring an appreciation, exploring femininity, I didn’t question if I was crossing any dangerous lines, or venturing into strange territory. It felt as though I was partaking in a harmless journey, somehow meant to travel.

To be quite honest, I was envious of other females. In my eyes, they possessed a beauty that was unlike to my own. Born with some medical issues, I was always self- conscious of my appearance. I never felt beautiful. Many in society agreed, thrusting upon me harsh labels that took years to come to overcome. Oh, and how I detested mirrors. Their uncanny ability to highlight every flaw, flashing like a warning signal. What the hell? How does an object hold so much power?

Can I answer, with certainty, where my appreciation of women stems from? No! A psychologist would probably surmise that it relates to a deep- seeded desire to look like them. To be what I deem the definition of “perfect”. I’m not sure that I would agree with that analysis. Perhaps as I continue this project, the answer will be found.


Diary of a Wannabe: For the Love of Redheads-An Introduction


Do you harbor any lifelong secrets? I do. That is part of the reason I decided to undertake this book. If I am being honest, I have lived a double-life, of sorts. Understand, it was not intentional. I did not set out to purposely deceive anyone for perverse pleasure, or possess a selfish, ulterior motive.

Since childhood, my “other self” resided primarily in my head through impulsive thoughts and a vivid imagination. Although, over the past few years, I couldn’t deny its presence in my soul. Unfamiliar desire, suspicion, confusion and doubt all wrestled within me. A battle waged within me that I chose to fight in private. My only opposition was a nagging question that took center stage: Am I a lesbian?

This was territory I never thought I would explore. After all, I was raised in “traditional” Catholic household. To have intimate tendencies toward women seemed taboo. Yet, I must say that certain members of my family have had the courage to “come out”, and now live as gay members of the community. So, it left me to wonder what keeps me from revealing my secret. Fear? Shame? Maybe it’s because I am unsure what to label myself. Who am I?