Tag Archives: confession

Diary of a Wannabe: For the Love of Redheads- Entry Seven

There’s a sexy endeavor that has been floating around in my mind for some time. Yeah, it could be considered dangerous. Yet…I have toed on daring lines before.

I won’t keep you in suspense. I want to place an advertisement online for a lesbian encounter. The title would read: Writer Seeking Muse. Specifically, I want a redhead who will spark my creativity, as well as cater to my sexual desires.

I’ll admit that I scoured a certain site to see if anyone peaked my interest. I was surprised at some of the tasteless, outlandish, even creepy posts. I’m not into fetishes or bondage. I’m not old- only 42- but I’m not interested in being with someone in her 20’s.

So, what exactly is my agenda? It’s more than the opportunity to engage in physical contact with a woman. I want to feel an emotional attraction to her; have her reciprocate it. I want to be friends and lovers, not merely a one- night stand.

I am well aware that I have a husband. I love him! Although I’ve kept him in the dark as to the extent of my feminine desires, he confessed to fantasizing about me being with another woman. He only wishes to be a silent observer during the encounter. I wasn’t shocked. After all, isn’t that every man’s typical fantasy.

This might sound crazy- and selfish- but I don’t want to fulfill my husband’s fantasy. Of course I WANT to be with a woman. The dilemma is I want to be with her at my leisure without anyone’s prying eyes. But I can’t help wonder if my husband is absent, would it constitute as cheating? What do you think?

Diary of a Wannabe: For the Love of Redheads-An Introduction

 

Do you harbor any lifelong secrets? I do. That is part of the reason I decided to undertake this book. If I am being honest, I have lived a double-life, of sorts. Understand, it was not intentional. I did not set out to purposely deceive anyone for perverse pleasure, or possess a selfish, ulterior motive.

Since childhood, my “other self” resided primarily in my head through impulsive thoughts and a vivid imagination. Although, over the past few years, I couldn’t deny its presence in my soul. Unfamiliar desire, suspicion, confusion and doubt all wrestled within me. A battle waged within me that I chose to fight in private. My only opposition was a nagging question that took center stage: Am I a lesbian?

This was territory I never thought I would explore. After all, I was raised in “traditional” Catholic household. To have intimate tendencies toward women seemed taboo. Yet, I must say that certain members of my family have had the courage to “come out”, and now live as gay members of the community. So, it left me to wonder what keeps me from revealing my secret. Fear? Shame? Maybe it’s because I am unsure what to label myself. Who am I?